For anyone who's ever read a computer science academic paper...

...you may want to:

a) seek professsional help.
b) check this out.

The writers of this managed to get one of their "papers" accepted to The 9th World Multi-Conference on Systemics, Cybernetics and Informatics.

I managed to become author of "Decoupling the Partition Table from the Ethernet in Evolutionary Programming" - lots of realistically incoherent stuff about "psychoacoustic configurations" and the "Italian toolkit for randomly visualizing partitioned hit ratio" before a paragraph entitled "dogfooding our approach". Still, marginally more coherent than this.